BEAST HORRORSCOPES for August 2007
by Elmore Bukake, abbatoir
Update: This month I made my prophecies by examining the patterns I found in my skidmarks. Next month I will smell the future in my earwax.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19): How are you feeling now you’ve stopped pissing yourself? You haven’t? I know the slowly expanding warmth around your genitals and sudden gouts of urine pouring onto your shoes is a hard habit to break. But believe me, it’s worth it. Instead you can succour the different but equally pleasant sensation of a bladder so full that you have to walk doubled-over while a knot inside you slowly tightens. Enjoy.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20): Don’t like at me like that. Sod you. I don’t have to do this, you know.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): See I told you moustaches were due for a comeback! Pencil thin is best, with an asymmetric twist. Just like my mum’s.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Where the fuck were you? I waited fucking ages outside that Travelodge, my pockets stuffed with prophylactics and thai love beads. After 30 minutes I went inside and tried to find a prostitute in the hotel bar. But then I discovered that Travelodges don’t have bars but some shitty café with no one in it. So I had to go back to the room and have a posh wank. Don’t you do that to me again, you fuck. And by the way those fucking beads look really shit on me.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21): I read somewhere once that there’s a theory according to which we are all twins in the womb, but some of us kill and eat our twins and others don’t. So if you think about it all twins are fucking pussies. And all non-twins are homicidal cannibals. That makes me feel really good. I could eat a twin. But not for breakfast.
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 21): The other good thing about cancer is that because so many people get it the doctors have some really good drugs and medical equipment and stuff to treat it. Yeah I know cancer of the eyebrows is pretty rare, but still, I’m sure they know what they are doing. Personally find that attaching leeches to your ear lobes, like a pair of dark wobbly earrings works best. On a related note, do you know if crabs get cancer? Cancer of the claw - imagine that!
Leo (Jul 22 – Aug 21): According to Desmond Morris,lions, along with chimpanzees, and human beings are one of the few mammals known to masturbate. But how do they do it? He doesn’t explain. Not with those paws surely – ouch! Rubbing up against trees? Somehow I don’t think so. It just doesn’t go along with the whole “King of the Jungle” image. Ooooh, here I am, King of the Jungle rubbing my cock against a eucalyptus tree. Stop laughing, the antelopes at the back. No, not like that. If you think about it, if you’re an animal in the wild, why ever bother with a wank when you can just rape whatever you like? Prohibition of rape is the mother of all wanks. Desmond must have been bullshitting all along.
Virgo (Aug 22 – Sep 22): So how was the trip to France? Great place isn’t it? No one ever does a thing. Last time I was in France I had to ask a waiter for a large spoon, so I went up to him and said “Avez vous des grandes cuisses?” He looked rather confused because I should have said “cuirs” not “cuisses”. He wasn’t used to being asked, in reasonably competent French, whether he had large thighs. What was really embarrassing was that his thighs really were quite large. Ouch.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22): Ying, yang. Black, white. Light, darkness. Yawn. It’s just all so last century isn’t it? No Mr Libra, unbalance is the new balance. Walk with a limp. Wear a monocle. Strap on a peg leg and hop down the street. Acquire a moustache (one of a pair of moustaches). You’ll feel a whole lot better.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov. 21): Sure, I can see from your CV that you’re really talented. You’re a brilliant man. You’ve got a brain as sharp as any you could find this side of the Danube. But the thing is what we’re really looking for, which unfortunately we omitted to state in the job description, is that what we really need is someone talentless who will work every hour God sends and never ask any questions. So if you wouldn’t mind waiting till you’re outside before committing hara kiri, we would be very grateful.
Sagitarrius(Nov 22 – Dec. 21): My cousin Barry told me he is going to take part in the Paralympics this year. He’s paralysed from the neck down and therefore stuck in a wheelchair. He said he’s going to do the high jump. I told him “Look Barry, you’re going to be fucking shit at that. The most you can do is kind of lurch sideways and flop awkwardly onto the floor. The chance of you winning that is fucking zero, you idiot.” But he just didn’t listen to me. That’s probably because he’s deaf too.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20): Think the unthinkable. Imagine the smell of blue. Hear the bellow of a hairy back. Wallow in the silky smoothness of the word “gusset”. Stop. Open your eyes. Welcome back.
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